TUM (YOU)

A Letter to Everyone I feel Afraid of Losing.

Nov 16, 2025

Note before you start—

‘Tum’ here is not one person. It’s a symbolic word for every friend or person I get close to. It would be preferable if you read this as a fictional piece. I’ve added the English translations below the respective sections too — translations in other writers’ posts often help me, so I thought it might be helpful here as well.
It’s not as long as it looks. You can skip the translations if you want.
And lastly, I hope you don’t take it too seriously — it’s just a flow of thoughts, nothing too concrete ;)

Priya,

Haan mujhe akele rehne se thoda dar sa lagta hai,

Mujhe pata hai, vo mai hi tha,

Jise khud ke saath vakt bitana tha,

Par mujhe dar ka matlab ab samajh me aane laga hai.

Tum maonge nhi, par yah sach hai,

Logon aur cheezon se dil lagane me,

Ab thoda jyada dar lagne laga hai.

Tum agar mujhse milo kabhi,

Toh kya tum mere uss dar ko mehsoos kar paoge?

Shayad nhi, kyunki maine usese acchi tarah se dhak kar jo rakha hai.

Pata hai, mai patang sa mehsoos karne lagi hoon,

Agar khin bandhi na houn, ya meri dor kat jaye,

Toh saara ka saara swapna ka nazara,

Vehem sa lagne lagta hai.

Mujhe pasand hai thoda door,

Thoda khud me rehna,

Par jab achanak se dil ki dhadkanein,

Tumhare kareeb na hone ke ehsas se badh jati hain,

Toh lagta hai maano bhukamp aagya ho,

Aur deewarein mujh pe gir si jane lagtin hain.

Dar lagta hai mujhe phir se us gali me jane se,

Jahan maine khud hi khud ko patra likh likh kar sambhala tha,

Aur jahan bas sadak paar karte samay,

Saheli ka haanth pakadna,

Bas kisi manviya sparsh pane ka bahana tha.

Mai ghar par rehtin hun in dino,

Ab mujhe maa ke haath ka khana,

Chaubison ghante naseeb hota hai,

Par jab aaj bhi baat aati hai,

Sapne poore karke udne ki,

Toh mera man chakot sa jata hai,

Aur phir bahar jane ke khyal matra se hi,

Mera man bhar sa aata hai.

Pata hai tumhe,

Mujhe dar tumse door jane se jyada kis baat ka hai?

Ki tum phir door ho jaoge,

Aur phir seekhna hoga,

Ki aakhir saans shi dhang se li kaise jati hai.

Mujhe pata hai,

Yeh bilkul bhi shi aadat nhi hai,

Par kya karun tum mujhe batao,

Ab dil me gaddha hi itna bada hai.

Ant to sab cheezon ka hota hi hai,

Isme toh koi do rai nhi hai,

Par har ek chota ant,

Mujhe apne ant ke kareeb jane sa lagta hai,

Aur pata nhi kyu,

Mujh jaise ant ke premi ko,

Phir kyun vhi purana dar lagne lagta hai.

Isiliye mai tumse kehna chahti hun,

Ki please mujhe chod kar mat jana is baar,

Bahut mushkil se sambhala tha is dil ko,

Aur ab yeh humse ho na payega baar baar.

Kuch galti ya khami ho jaye kabhi,

Toh please bata dena na,

I promise I will work on it,

But, tum please hamesha ke liye rooth na jana yar.

Pata toh hai tumhe, gaanein kitni help karte meri,

Sadak pe ya logo ke beech earplugs laga kar,

Aisa lagta hai koi saath hai and then sukoon is all I feel.

Isi liye I am saying,

Bhale hi hum hamesha saath na hon,

Par hamesha saath rehna na,

Dil kahan janta hai distance ko,

Tum bas ek baar message kar dena na.

Mammi papa ka khin jana sabse daravna sa lagta hai,

Please please please jiski bhi yeh duty hoti,

Unse keh do ki mujhe bhi unke saath hi hai jana,

Unka bina yeh duniya na duniya lagegi,

Aur phir yahan rehne ka na chahiye koi aur bahana.

Pata hai, college ko abhi ek hi hafta hua hai,

Par mujhe school sa lagta hai,

Logon se vahan kam baat hote hue bhi,

Unke beech rehkar kuch accha sa lagta hai.

Ghar aake, mammi ko din ki cheezein batana,

Aur phir school ke bacchon ki tarah,

Tv, arey sorry, ab toh phone hai,

Phone ke saath khana khana,

Phir ek ghanta sona ya alsiyana,

Mujhe ab samay ki barbaadi kam,

Ab sukoon sa jyada lagta hai.

Haan mujhe ghar pe,

Kabhi kabhi badi vali ladai,

Hone ke bavjood bhi,

Accha sa lagta hai.

Papa ka phone aata hai college me kai baar,

Hnn meko thoda irritate hota hai,

Par sach bataun papa,

Aapka yeh itna pareshan hona,

Jaise mai aaj bhi do saal ka baccha,

Bahut keemati aur nazuk hun,

Yeh mujhe bada accha lagta hai.

Didi hain meri ek,( Shadvali Dubey )

Nah, we are not blood sisters,

But she’s like the one,

Her concern and care,

Is such a haven to fall upon.

Unka ghar aane ke baad,

“Kaisa tha din” text padh ke,

Aur apni lambhi kahani bata kar,

Dil ko jo chain milta hai,

Use shabdon me bayan karna,

Thoda mushkil sa lagta hai.

Par ab tum samjh rhe ho kya meri feeling?

Mujhe tum kareeb ho ya na ho,

Par saath ho hamesha bas is cheez se farq padta hai.

Mat chod ke jana na mujhe please kbhi,

Tum bina bhi adhoora aur ajeeb sa lagta hai.

English Translation—

Dear,

Yeah, I feel afraid of living alone,

I know, it was me only,

Who wanted to spend time with myself,

But I have started to understand the meaning of fear.

You won’t believe, but it’s true,

That letting my heart attach to things and people,

I feel a bit more afraid.

If you ever meet me,

Will you be able to feel that fear of mine?

Probably not, because I have kept it covered—well enough.

You know, I have started to feel like a kite,

If I am not tied somewhere, or if my thread gets cut,

Then the whole dream of beautiful views,

Starts to feel like an illusion.

I like being a bit distant,

Being a bit on my own,

But when suddenly the heartbeat—

On the realisation of you not being around, starts to flutter,

Then it feels like an earthquake is there,

And the walls seem to come crumbling down on me.

I feel afraid then in going back to that lane,

Where I myself wrote letters to me—to handle myself,

And where while crossing the road,

Holding a friend’s hand,

Was just an excuse for getting a physical human touch.

I live at my home these days,

Now to mom’s food,

I have access, all twenty-four hours,

But even today when the point comes out,

Of fulfilling the dreams and flying away,

Then my heart feels hurt,

And then with only the thought of going out,

My heart feels full.

Do you know,

What makes me more afraid than being distant from you?

That you’ll be distant and away again,

And again, I would have to learn,

That how to breathe properly after all.

I know,

This is really not a good habit,

But what should I do, you only tell me,

That the pothole in the heart is this deep.

There’s an end to everything,

There’s no doubt in it.

But I don’t know why,

For a lover of ‘the end’ like me,

That same old fear starts to seep in.

That’s why I am saying,

That please don’t leave me this time,

I faced so many troubles to manage this heart,

And I can’t do it again and again.

If some mistake or lack happens someday,

Then please tell me na,

I promise I will work on it,

But please don’t get angry for forever na.

You already know, how much songs help me,

On the streets or in between people, after plugging in earphones,

I feel like there’s somebody with me and then comfort is what all I feel.

That’s why I am saying,

Even if we are always together or not,

But stay close na,

This heart doesn’t understand the distance,

You just send a message once na.

Mom and dad going somewhere away is what’s most horrifying,

Please please please ask whoever had been assigned with this duty,

That I also want to go with them.

The world wouldn’t seem like a world without them,

And then I don’t want any other excuse to stay here.

You know, it’s been only a week since college started,

But it feels like School,

Even while talking less with people there,

Being among them I feel a little good.

After coming back home, telling mom all about the day,

And then like school kids,

Watching TV, Oh! Sorry, it’s phone now,

Eat lunch with it,

Then lazing around for an hour,

It seems less like a waste of time to me,

And more like comfort.

Yeah, at home,

Even after the apparent big fights,

I feel despite all this, good.

Papa calls me several times in college,

Yeah, I do feel a bit irritated (sometimes),

But being honest,

Him being this concerned,

Like I am still a little two-year-old kid,

Very precious and delicate,

Feels so great to me.

Nah, we are not blood sisters,

But she’s like the one,

Her concern and care,

Is such a haven to fall upon.

After reaching home,

Reading her ‘How’s the day’ text,

And telling her the long stories of my day,

The relief I get,

And to put it in words,

Feels a bit difficult.

[Thank you so much, really ( Shadvali Dubey )]

But can you understand my feeling now?

To me, you are near or not,

But you always stay together,

Matters and makes the difference.

Don’t leave me na please, ever,

Even without you it feels weird and incomplete.

More than a month later—

Bhai pata hai,

Pata nhi kya hi chalta rehta na life me?

Ab toh dost bhi hain udhar thode,

But then again, why sometimes I feel hollow there?

You know, campus bhi bada pyara hai,

Lekin bheed me phir pata nhi kya ho jata hai,

Aur phir jaldi se bas ghar aane ka man kart jata hai.

(English Translation)—
Bro, do you know,
One thing or the other keeps happening in life, right?
Now, I even have a few friends there,
But then again, why sometimes I feel hollow there?
You know, the campus is very adorable too,
But I don’t know what happens in crowd,
That I just start to feel like coming back home.

Life me karna kya hai mujhe toh yeh bhi clear nhi ho rha,

Yahan internals khatam hue just aur ab sem exam aarha.

Time ki kami nhi hai,

Par mujhse shyd management nhi ho rha,

Kyunki na mai ikdum dhang se padh rhi,

Na hi mujhe purpose samjh aa raha.

(English Translation)—
I don’t even have a clear picture of what I want to do in life,
Here, the internals just got over and now sem exams are coming.
There’s no shortage of time,
But probably I couldn’t do the time management,
As I am not even studying properly,
And neither do I understand my purpose.

Sometimes I wonder,

Is stressing about something without even knowing why,

Worth it?

I mean I get it, positive stress (as our teacher call it),

Is indeed important,

But still when the hell this fear of failing,

Would get rid of me?

It’s not a new feeling,

It’s a freaking old one.

Worrying about things,

Like they are the end,

Is like watching the new moon.

But still, haven’t I left even the dream?

So why this damn fear is not leaving me?

Isn’t all this just a superficial—

To just study for exams,

When I couldn’t even get to the root of basic stuff?

It feels that way sometimes,

And for real, the education system is messed up.

But I don’t even know what’s the right way,

Or how to be better with my time.

I do stuff,

And I regret it,

The cycle keep repeating,

And I just don’t get how to fix it.

Things are way way better,

But I feel like a mixture of a stupid and ambitious person sometimes,

Who doesn’t know what she’s doing, and why,

And at the end doesn’t get what to do except whine.

I feel too blessed to deserve everything at times,

I feel like I failed those perfect lovely things,

That gives me so much, all the time.

Where I am heading,

And what I’m doing,

I don’t know.

I just know one thing,

That I need some structure,

And probably then I’ll find,

What am I and where I need to go.

I’m sorry if I disappointed you,

You’re awesome really,

It’s just I am not able to figure it out well.

I am very grateful to have you, seriously.

So please know that,

Rest, I’ll try better—as I always say,

But till then, forgive me,

And just take care na

Thank you so much for reading.

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If you’d like to share anything about this or would like to share your own story, I am all ears—

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