Disclaimer- This is a piece of fiction. Any similarity to real names, people, or events, is purely coincidental.
This is continuation of the Part-1. You can check out Part-1 here-
The Stupid Fish (Part-1)
Disclaimer- This is a piece of fiction. Any similarity to real names, people, or events, is purely coincidental.
A few hours later—
She was in her room—upstairs. Her temples were throbbing, and tears had already soaked the loose end of the scarf.
[You don’t deserve to live. You don’t. You’re just a fucking idiot. How can you even say that? What kind of a monster does something like this?]
She removed her glasses, switched off the lights, and lay down on the bed with all the layers still on.
[I hate you, Leher. I hate you.]
I wish I didn’t exist. I am just a burden. How will I face them tomorrow? How will I live from here on?
[I hate you. I hate you.]
The streams of tears weren’t stopping and at this point, even watching the phone wasn’t working.
I wish I was dead. I am the worst sister. I don’t deserve to be in this house. I am just a freaking burden.
[Just die. Please just die yourself, Leher. How could you do that to your brother?]
I don’t want him to be gone. I just said it because I was angry.
But this is not normal. This was not okay. I love him. I love him the most.
How can I say that to him? How can I?
I am such a monster. I am such a monster. How will I go downstairs tomorrow?
I can no longer live here. I am a criminal.
[This is abuse, you know that, right?]
He doesn’t deserve to hear these things in his childhood.
[You really should die, Leher. How can any sister say that? You can’t justify it. No sorry could fix it. How deeply it must have affected him?]
What should I even do?
I can’t do this. I can’t.
The fish should die. It doesn’t deserve to live.
No amount of effort to sleep bore fruit. Her heart was racing. Her eyes were pouring and guilt submerged her. The possibility of the next day disgusted her. The scene of the fight with her brother was playing in her mind constantly.
Why does he always do that? I wasn’t even annoying him. He started the fight. Mamma also doesn’t take my side ever.
What’s wrong with him? Why is he like that?
She turned to the other side but then lay down on her back.
The physical part of the fight hurt way less than the words that came out of her mind. They both had hit each other, even when their mother had tried to stop them.
The anger, the guilt, her irresponsibility in the moment, all seemed to be running in circles inside her mind.
She had said “sorry” to his brother and he had apologized just moments later too, but still that sorry couldn’t hold the weight of the damage.
Why are we not like other siblings?
Where did I go wrong?
Why am I alive even? Why had I been born?
He’s such a cute kid, but what’s with all the disrespect? Why doesn’t he respect me?
[Like you’re someone who deserves to be respected, right?]
I am the worst sister ever. I am the worst person. I can’t even handle friendships, can’t even be a good person in my own home, can’t even do anything valuable.
What’s the purpose of me being here then?
I am tired of myself. I am tired of messing up. I am tired of everything. I hate everything.
Her mother called her downstairs, “Leher! Come downstairs.”
She didn’t reply. Her mom saw that the lights in her room were switched off and assumed that she had slept.
The silence of the night, the silver moon light seeping in through the Roshandaan (skylight), the clutter of voices inside her mind, and buzzing of mosquitos around her ears, all made her feel even more isolated and guilty.
It was getting late. The night darkened as if black ink was dripping constantly from the sky.
I gotta sleep. I have to go to class too.
I am tired...
She exhaled and wiped her tears, went to the washroom, washed her face with stinging cold water and switched on ‘Good Knight’ for mosquitoes. She gulped down a few sips of water from the water bottle. The feeling of cold water in her dry throat felt a bit soothing. She removed the jacket but didn’t seem to have energy to remove the socks.
[You’re the worst person alive. You are the worst.]
After some more warm tears soaking her pillow, she fell asleep.
Next Day Morning—
It was ten o’ clock in the morning. Leher had been awake since six. She had gotten bored of watching the phone; she had tried reading too and had finally switched to studying a bit—running out of options.
Her mom had already called her downstairs twice, but she only said, “Yes” both times.
Her stomach was growling from hunger. Her eyes were feeling heavy. She heard her brother apologizing to her mom for the misbehavior and her mother reprimanding him.
I don’t want to show my face downstairs. I can’t go.
I can’t. What will I even say?
Mom will also scold me only.
She massaged her eyes gently. She looked at the phone’s camera and saw her eyes swollen from all the crying yesterday. Her temples were still aching.
I can’t even take medicine for this damn headache on an empty stomach. I wish mom would call me once more. I am really hungry.
She imagined how difficult it must be for homeless people. Hunger must feel like pain to them. The smell of bread getting toasted in the ghee made her even hungrier.
Dreams are all a lie. They are for people who are capable. I am certainly not capable.
She put on some music, covered herself with the blanket, and started reading again. Her hands and feet were cold. The water bottle was almost empty, too.
I want tea. It’s so freaking cold.
She pulled the blanket upto her face and leaned on the wall. The wall felt cold, even through her jacket, but offered support anyway and turned on her phone’s flashlight for reading inside the blanket tent.
She heard someone coming upstairs. She recognized the person through footsteps. She sat up straight and her eyes started to tear up again.
The door opened and there he was—her brother.
“Didi, come on now. Mamma is calling you for tea,” he said, and went closer to her.
She looked at him.
He’s definitely hurt. I don’t deserve him at all.
When she didn’t say anything, he came even closer and extended his arm, with his pinky finger sticking out of his fist, towards her.
“I’m sorry, didi. I’ll not fight again. I am sorry. Let’s go downstairs now. Please be ‘milli’ (be friends) with me now,” he said with a crackled voice.
Tears were flowing from her eyes and seeing her, he started crying too.
“I am really sorry for saying that. I didn’t mean it at all. You’re the most precious thing to me. I am really sorry. I should have never said that. Please forgive me. I promise I’ll never do something like this again. I am sorry. I love you, Taru. I’m really sorry,” she said and hugged him tightly.
The tears kept flowing as she held him in her embrace.
“I am a burden to you. I shouldn’t have been born. I am sorry,” he said at last.
The sentence killed her inside. Her heart sank and she couldn’t speak for a moment.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry to have said all that to you. You’re not a burden, Taru. You’re the most precious thing to me. I’m so sorry. I am really so sorry. I know I can’t make it up to you, but I promise I’ll be a better sister moving forward. I’m really sorry. Please don’t say that. It was my fault. I messed up. I am really sorry,” she spoke after a while. Tears from her cheeks were soaking his cap in the embrace.
“Okay. I will try to be better too. Let’s forget it. Come downstairs now and have tea,” he said, and wiped her tears. She looked at him and kissed his forehead again. She hesitated to go downstairs. Taru pulled her arm and led her downstairs.
The day passed slowly. Everybody was acting normal, but the weight of feelings was still heavy in the air.
In the noon, Leher and Taru played together. Leher kissed him so many times. She tried to repair the damage done, but she knew the impact was much larger this time.
In the evening, she was zoned out while watching a video.
This is exactly called trauma. What he’ll think when he grows up? He’ll hate me...
And most importantly, I just hope he doesn’t feel unloved. What did I even say?
Why?
Why? I am such an idiot.
He didn’t deserve it. Yeah, he started the fight, he escalated it, he hurt me first, but still, I am older. I should have had sense. He’s just a kid yet.
I keep saying that to myself and I projected that onto him. How can I do this?
I am ruining his childhood…
Taru calling her broke her chain of thoughts and she tried to smile, looking at him. He was telling her about something and she listened actively this time.
The day continued and everything on the surface felt so normal, so usual.
It was bedtime and today, Leher, as usual, slept downstairs with Taru, and her mother.
The night passed with thoughts of being an idiot, kisses and warm blankets. The hurt on both sides was still there, but it had become bearable.
Over the next few days, things started getting back to normal. Taru and Leher did argue over small things in this period, as usual, but they didn’t start a big fight.
Meanwhile, Leher observed other things that made the stupid fish seem even more stupid.
She was scrolling through Instagram on a random evening, and she saw her friends hanging out together.
They used to call me too, earlier.
[It was only expected. You never agree to go out with them. What else do you think they should have done?]
Why am I such a bad friend?
[Because you’re a weirdo.]
Her mind became numb for a few seconds.
She recalled how it had been the same since forever. She was never a cool friend. Talking to others exhausted her sometimes, and staying on her own made her miserable and lonely.
[The fish deserves to be all alone if she can’t fit in with others. That should be its destiny. That should be its life. I don’t know why it even tries.]
I don’t like getting attached to anyone. It hurts. The distance is only good, I think.
She exited the app and switched to YouTube.
[Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.]
The scrolling continued and everything was quiet again. Her face was expressionless, and an hour and a half passed before she consciously switched off her phone.
“Leher, go and bring all the clothes from the terrace. It’s getting dark,” her mom called out.
“Yeah, I’m going in a bit,” Leher said flatly.
“Go now. The dew will wet them again. Don’t be lazy,” her mom said.
Leher finally got up from the bed and went to the terrace. The sky was grey and quickly turning dark. The buildings in the distance were covered in fog.
She heard prayers playing on the loudspeakers in the distance and realized how much things have changed since her childhood.
Earlier she could see the bright lights from the fair that used to take place in her city every winter. Now, buildings had gotten higher and the view all around was no longer bright and hopeful but gloomy and constrained.
She took a deep breath. The tip of her nose and her cheeks were cold. She looked at the almost dark sky and whispered, “I really need to change my life. I’m so sorry for wasting so much time. I’m sorry. I am an idiot, but I don’t want to be that for the rest of my life.”
She sighed and just stared in the distance.
Why do I always have to mess up everything?
Why?
I don’t like it at all.
She saw a flock of birds flying overhead, and her eyes followed their direction.
I don’t want to be a burden. For life’s sake, I’m twenty-one years old. And is this how a twenty-one-year-old is supposed to live? Why am I not doing anything except being a burden? What’s the point of me being here?
“Leher, what are you doing? Come downstairs. I am going outside with Taru. Lock the door from inside please,” her mom’s echoing voice reached her from downstairs.
She came back to reality and went downstairs with the clothes.
After locking the front door, she came back to her room on the first floor. The inside was much warmer. The sudden warmth made her feel even colder. She rubbed her palms and turned on the room heater.
She looked at the wall above her desk.
Pictures of several inspiring figures—Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam, a person in a white coat, two army officers, scientist Alexander Fleming, princess Diana, picture of Shree Krishna and Arjun, tricolored flag, and several other smaller cutouts of different things—trees, clouds, moon, flowers, rainbow, different quotes, etc.
Her eyes moistened. A range of emotions were bubbling inside her. She opened her laptop and sat down on the chair.
Dreams are all a lie. Why do they even exist? Why did I ever want to be anything at all?
They are for those people who have unwavering courage, determination, and strength. A loser like me can only dream but never fulfill them.
I tried, didn’t I? But the journey didn’t turn out the way I imagined. I tried and tried and tried, but still, why couldn’t I be like that?
I hate dreams. I hate goals. Life is for living only.
“Dreams are necessary”, “Always dream big”, all these are the ways of people who are capable of handling all the challenges. It’s not for someone like me who doesn’t even know what she wants to be anymore. I’m an idiot, really.
Everything feels so complex sometimes that I no longer feel like doing anything. Isn’t this the quality of an idiot? I am so tired of everything and especially me. Argh!!
She stopped typing and the tension in her forehead started to build.
It can’t go like this for long, Leher.
She looked at the wall again and immediately lowered her gaze.
Dreams are a lie. They really are. I really should just remove all these things from here.
She gave the pictures good luck, and whispered, “I can’t remove them. It hurts.”
A tiny spark of hope was still there in her. She still wanted to be a doctor, still wanted to fulfill her childhood dreams, but all that almost seemed impossible to her. She blamed her laziness for not changing the wall, but it was deeper than that.
She looked at all the books in the cupboard. Stack of her old books were there. It had been more than a year since she had quit preparing.
Her college books occupied much less space in front of them.
I gotta sort it soon.
I don’t feel like getting rid of them. I can still maybe use them, can’t I?
[Yeah, right. You can’t even focus on subjective subjects for college exams and you think you have the strength to prepare again for a year or two? Keep dreaming. It wouldn’t change that you’re still an idiot.]
There were no expressions on her face. She clenched her fist.
Yeah, I am an idiot. But I have to do something at least. I can’t keep being a burden on my parents and this world. I have to do something at least. I can’t keep being helpless.
[Dreams are a lie, remember? Didn’t we try enough? They never seem to fulfill anyway. Had you ever fulfilled any one of your dreams? What are dreams, huh? You think you can just work hard and that’s it? No. They take more than that. They demand you. The whole of you. You don’t even know who you are. You don’t remember what happened to us before? How much time it took to finally be a little okay around everything. I no longer can make anything so central in life that I feel like dying in the mid of the journey itself.]
There should be a way. Isn’t it there? I don’t how to live with these unfulfilled dreams.
She had sat down on the bed by this time. Her forehead was creased and two tiny warm drops of tears streamed out of her eyes.
Her heart wasn’t beating faster—she was anticipating it based on previous experiences.
[You’re nothing but a pretense, Leher. You just pretend. You’ve always done that. You never actually tried your best. I don’t know if it’s your fault or not. I don’t care. But you can never be anyone if you keep pretending. Which you always do.]
She no longer wanted to figure out anything. She closed her eyes and took two deep breaths. The voices were quiet now.
But on the red screen in front of her closed eyes, she saw various moments of her crying, trying, and giving up midway when things got so extreme in the past.
[Stop pretending, Leher. Just stop pretending. You aren’t the victim. It was all your fault. Accept it. You’re just an idiot.]
“Shut the hell up!” she finally said out loud.
The air felt too heavy with ambition. She saw a spider web formed in the corner of the wall and some dust on the floor.
Blood rushed to her hands and feet, and she stormed out of the room.
Downstairs, she opened her phone, plugged in the earphones and played music on full volume. She searched for a song that can call her a failure and an idiot, but at the moment, she couldn’t find anything. She played a random song anyway.
Some tears also rushed down her eyes, making her vision blurry. She didn’t wipe them, just tried to play a song desperately anyhow.
At last, the music started playing in the background and she started shuffling and reshuffling the apps on her phone. The song progressed with soothing music and when the lyrics started, her restless fingers stopped.
“चाँद पे छाई काली बदली रात की स्याही पिघले-पिघले समय की सुइयाँ मछली-मछली
हर रोज़ फ़िज़ाएँ बदले-बदले इस वजूद की परिभाषा भी पल में गहरी, पल में उथली जीवन को क्या नाम दूँ बोलो साँसें गईं और साँसें निकली,
बाहर बारिश, भीतर बिजली बातें कर दो अगली-पिछली जीवन को क्या नाम दूँ बोलो साँसें गईं और साँसें निकली
बहे हवाएँ साए-साए तनहाई ने करवट बदली थक कर सोई है कहाँ पे रंगीले ख़्वाबों की तितली
बाहर बारिश, भीतर बिजली और उम्मीदें दुबली-पतली जीवन को क्या नाम दूँ बोलो दोनों झूठे असली-नक़ली”
English Translation-
[The ink of night melts and runs. The hands of time wriggle like fish, Every day the winds keep changing.
Even the definition of this existence Is deep one moment, shallow the next. Tell me—what should I name this life? Breaths go out, and breaths come in.
Outside, rain; inside, lightning. Let’s talk of things, past and present. Tell me—what should I name this life? Breaths go out, and breaths come in.
Winds flow softly, casting shadows. Loneliness turns on its side. Where has it gone to sleep, exhausted— That colourful butterfly of dreams?
Outside, rain; inside, lightning. And hopes grow thin and fragile. Tell me—what should I name this life? Both false—real and unreal alike.]
The song was the only thing she could hear then. It echoed in her mind as if her she was absorbing it deeply. She replayed the song thrice in a row. The voices inside were quiet now.
Her face and jaw felt more relaxed than before. She played other songs from her playlist and came across some other good ones. Her mind was numb enough, finally.
After a few minutes of scrolling again, she got up.
Why the hell am I scrolling through shorts so much? I gotta clean my room. I gotta write that letter and I gotta go to the market tomorrow. I have so many things to do.
Yes, I have to study also.
Yes. I have to. I have to make a bit of a plan. A small one.
What do I want to do?
I want to be a doctor. Nothing can change that. Even if I can’t be that, it’s okay. I should at least try to study the text to know that I can solve the paper a few years later.
Yeah. I have to do that.
I have to manage college also.
I have to fix myself too.
I gotta fix so many things.
[Time management should be the priority.]
Yes. I’ll clean my room at night only. And then start studying a bit from tomorrow. Even the background knowledge of the subjects will help a little. I will give some time to college subjects too.
Yes. I hope I really do start it a bit. I really want to.
Yes. What if I…failed again?
The voices went quiet; she held her breath for a second and all she could hear was silence. Even she didn’t know how she could hear silence but the sound was there—the sound of absence of sound.
She picked up her phone again. After scrolling for five minutes, she got up from the bed and finally went back to her room.
She plugged in her earphones again, reluctantly. Her ears felt sore and she removed them. She saw her laptop and remembered the unfinished draft. She opened the file and deleted it.
The fish survived not because it deserved it, but because it had been born, which was not its fault. It hadn’t drowned yet, because it still kept finding a ray of sunshine and that kept giving it hope that maybe someday it would also be like other fish and would know how to swim and survive. It was the ‘maybe’ that kept it afloat.
Maybe it still can develop some strength. It fails again and again, but at the end, it always tries before drowning. Drowning is painful and it has grown accustomed to the pain. Yes, it is a burden, but when living in itself feels like a punishment, nothing else matters except just existing.
Maybe, I should accept the fish. Maybe the fish needs to stop forcing itself to drown and then depend on the last ray of sunshine to keep her afloat. Maybe the fish can do it. Maybe the stupid fish can someday be a normal fish. Until then, staying afloat is enough for it.
Dear Fishie,
Keep trying. You’re an idiot, but you still can be normal.
Try, try and try.
She typed and a faint smile appeared on her lips.
She heard the knock on the door and it was Taru shouting from outside, “I’m home. I have brought a chocolate for you. Come soon.”
She saved the file, put the laptop away, and rushed downstairs, yelling, “Coming.”
The next few days didn’t observe any larger changes. She was still scrolling for hours, she was still calling herself an idiot, she and Taru still irritated each other, and she still wasn’t studying in a ‘proper way’, but something had shifted.
The scrolling was interrupted at short intervals. She would turn off the screen, do her work, read the non-academic book she was reading, and then unknowingly switch back to social media and scrolling again, but she used to become aware of it and was able to stop too.
She was still hesitant to remove the posters from the wall. She still didn’t empty her cupboard. She even dusted them off.
Another thing happened one day while she was scrolling on Instagram. She saw her group of friends planning something together. Her stomach knotted upon the realization of how much she didn’t belong because of her own tendency to not involve or hang out with others.
[You’re an idiot. Why are you like that? You can’t even fit in anywhere.]
She took a deep breath, ignored the voice, and commented a meme under their post.
Let’s be happy for them. We can’t be everywhere at once. They have their priorities, and I am trying to look for mine. That’s alright.
She sighed and tried to smile.
On the table she saw the book that had arrived just yesterday.
Beside her was lying an open notebook and her laptop on which, a lecture had been paused halfway.
Why can’t I study like others? Why is it so time taking and boring? I can never go anywhere in life like this.
Aargh!
She picked up her phone when she remembered a text from her friend a day ago.
Oh no! I forgot to text Srishty too. What will she think!
Damn. I’m such a big loser.
She must be so angry at me.
I am such a big idiot.
She immediately texted her friend and turned off the internet to avoid facing her friend in case she responded back soon.
Texting is also so complicated. Damn!
Her heart was slightly racing. She looked at her notebook and closed it angrily.
I am not studious. I should just accept it.
How do people even do it?
Why is it so difficult for me?
[Loser. Loser. Loser.]
She got up from her bed and picked up the book on the table and removed the plastic cover of it.
I just hope I get the concept through this book. It’s not even relevant to the syllabus, but I just hope it helps a bit. I don’t even have much time.
That’s exactly why you’re an idiot.
But it’s okay to try and understand things.
I’m probably not gonna make it anyway, it’s better I try the unconventional way that I like. At least I would know some concepts. Studying something is better than not studying at all.
[Losers say stuff like that.]
And I sound exactly like that. But who cares? I’m not trying to win. I don’t know how I’ll earn a living in future, but for now, I know that I need this. I can’t tolerate books being my enemy anymore.
She sat down on the chair and started reading.
The title of the book was ‘How to Teach Quantum Physics to Your Dog.’
The stupid fish didn’t try to move forward like others. Life wasn’t important to it; it seemed. It was trying to understand what it was, what it was made of, what the water around it was supposed to mean.
It finally understood what it wanted—acceptance and peace in knowing. It was still a stupid fish, for it still couldn’t understand the water like others, but it finally was learning to recognize light, instead of finding a place to drown.
The fish lived; it floated with the waves, just like Leher.
Thank you so much for reading, for your time, and for your presence. It really means a lot.
If you’d like to support me in my writing journey, you can consider checking out this page—
I would love to know your views on it. Do let me know what you feel reading this one.
Until Next Time,
I hope you’re doing great.
Take great care fellas.
Seeya super soon in the next one,
Thank you so much,
Yours,
Ameliorating A.
"but it finally was learning to recognize light, instead of finding a place to drown."
👌 line. Heartening. So glad, this story ended with this and the following line. Cause i was getting depressed reading Leher go on and on. I am idiot. Idoit. Loser.. why was i born. Why am I Alive. Like daily mantra.
I left wondering if she was suicidal.
The part I loved most, beautifully written, was how she and her brother patch up. Too adorable .. 🥰. Just like among sibblings.
My hopes. In your next Post. Your protagonist won't be this self-loathing.
Also, this is not a auto fictional piece.
What a lovely writeup...I am in need of such articles nowadays 😊...Keep writing ✍️