Note- This is the Part-5 of the story, ‘Love Doesn’t Matter…Right?’ If you haven’t read the earlier parts, that’s completely okay. But I’ll say that kindly read Part-4 first before reading this one, as this part is continuation of that one. The Part-1, Part-2 and Part-3 aren’t much connected but reading them might give you a better understanding of the characters and their journey.
A gentle request- I would really appreciate you reading the whole post first before interacting with it in any way. It would really mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for your patience.
And trust me, it’s not as long as it seems. Only the disclaimer, post scripts, etc are making it longer ;))
I hope you’ll be gentle while reading it. It’s just a fiction. Please don’t judge it harshly.
Disclaimer- The story explores moments of emotional overwhelm, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, guilt, and self-doubt. If you're feeling mentally or emotionally vulnerable right now, please take a moment to decide whether you're in the right space to read this.
If you’re going through emotional distress, please know that you’re not alone. There’s no shame in reaching out—to doctors, mental health professionals, or even just someone you trust.
We all deserve to feel well. We deserve to feel happy.
And again, this is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.
Continuation of last part- After the call ended.
Married?
When? How?
He didn’t even bother to inform me.
But why would he? Was I his friend? Was I anyone to him ever?
No. I was just a random person whom he met online, right? I was so stupid. I shouldn’t have done this.
Damn! Why the hell am I feeling bad? Didn’t I already guess that he had a girlfriend and that he was probably old enough to get married?
What was wrong with me? I don’t know why the hell I liked talking to him. I am so glad that I never crossed any boundaries and always tried to talk just like a friend.
But why the hell am I worrying about it this much? It’s his life, his choices. Why do I care?
She looked upwards at the sky and continued, “You know, I was a total idiot. How could I have a crush on some random online person?
Damn it. I was such a fool. He got married, Sky!! He got married. What must his wife be thinking?
Eww. Why did I even ask him to call? I am not such a bad person. Damn, how could I have a crush on someone older? Damn it. I wanna disappear, Sky.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she hurried downstairs. On the way, she kept thinking—How? When did it all happen? Damn!! So, he was busy with his wedding preparations in those six months when he literally ghosted me.
This is so embarrassing, Shree. Damn!! But why the hell am I feeling so much? I don’t need to think so much. His life. His issues. His things. Why do I care? I don’t care at all. We don’t care at all, Shree.
Trust me, I don’t want to care but I do—
On reaching her room, she shut the door tightly behind her and just went straight to bed. Her mom was calling her for dinner too, but she refused, saying she wasn’t hungry.
Her tears were still not stopping, and her heart was racing.
“Shashu. You know what happened? Shyam got married. Can you believe it? I want to disappear, you know,” she sent the text to Shashi, with lots of laughing emojis. The emojis were her attempt to hide the pain.
Shashi replied immediately, and comforted Shree for the next hour.
Shree still couldn’t think properly and was just drowning deeper and deeper in the ocean of guilt.
You know, I can no longer bear this shame. The hell with it. I am so, so sorry. I am really sorry. This was all my fault. Aargh! She thought while she was lying on the bed.
The lights were switched off, but Shree could still imagine his wife’s face and her judgements about her.
I can’t do this any longer. I can’t. What she would have thought? That I was such a freaking weirdo who had a crush on her husband? Damn. Even the thought of it makes me sick.
I am not this bad. I am not. I may make mistakes. But I never intend to hurt anyone. Damn. I want to go back in time and erase this chapter for once and for all. I can’t bear this. I can’t.
She pressed the pillow tightly on her face, trying to suppress the tears and the thoughts.
You know what? I should text him and apologise to him. And I should just completely disappear from his life. That would be the most righteous thing at this moment.
She opened the notes app and started typing: “I am so sorry. I am very sorry for everything. Thank you for everything you did for me. I am really sorry. I am really grateful for having a friend like you but please forgive me. I really liked talking to you. I am really sorry.”
Before typing the next sentence, she paused. Her fingers trembled as she slowly typed further.
“You know, I had a crush on you.”
She thought of something and then typed again.
“Mind you—had. And I was so shocked to hear that you got married. You didn’t even tell me once. I didn’t know. I am really sorry for everything.” She finished typing and pasted it onto his chat.
Should I even do this? I can ghost him. Just like he did. I don’t think he would even notice. Maybe I should just delete the account and everything.
But wouldn’t that be bad? Is ghosting someone even right? He was a good friend to me. I think I could at least tell him this after having told him so many other things. Would he mind if I just deleted the account without informing?
I don’t think so.
But still. I am not a person who could ghost someone. It freaking hurts to try to figure out the reason of getting ghosted. At least I could tell him. And does it even matter what he thinks about me now? I should just tell him the truth and leave.
Yeah, I should do that.
She kept thinking for another twenty minutes or so before finally pressing the send button with trembling fingers and a loudly thumping heart.
She instantly cleared the chat from her side and tossed the phone aside.
Tomorrow will be the last day I text him after his reply. I am never talking to anyone ever again.
She closed her eyes, but thoughts kept circling her mind before she finally fell asleep after another thirty minutes or so.
The next day, again at ten in the morning, he texted back saying, “I will call you in the evening.”
Shree didn’t reply to that text and was lost in her thoughts the whole day. She was still not able to process her feelings, and she couldn’t help but think—How weird am I? How could I even talk to him now? This is so cringe and cheap. I hate myself. I don’t like this feeling at all.
One Last Call—
In the evening, Shree did receive a call from Shyam.
She went to the terrace again.
“Hey. You had a crush on me? Really?” he asked.
“I don’t want to talk to you now. It doesn’t feel right. I am so sorry for everything. I will probably be blocking you. I am sorry but I can’t handle all this right now. I could have made it clear to myself if you had told me earlier. Anyways.
Thank you so much for being such a great friend, for listening to my rants and for all the advice you gave me. I really liked talking to you. And I am so sorry for troubling you all the time,” she said, and waited for him to say something, before disconnecting the call.
“Why do you think this much? Everything is alright. It’s nothing. Chill! Wait, I’ll try to ask my wife to talk to you. It’s all cool,” he responded in the same casual way.
“No way. I can’t. I can never talk to her,” she said, trying to end the call as soon as possible. But something inside her still wanted to talk more, for she knew this was their last call.
“You’ll see. Okay. Gotta go. Still in the office. Seeya,” he said and disconnected the call.
I can’t talk to his wife. Hell no. This is so disgusting. Eww. Aargh! Why did I ever talk to him?
She said, looking upwards at the sky.
How do I stop thinking? —
A few days later-
Shree still couldn’t get over the embarrassment of it. She texted him again, apologising sincerely for things she thought she had ruined.
I am never talking to any boy ever again. I hate myself. She repeated to herself as she sent it.
“It’s okay. It happens. Relax. It’s not a big deal. My wife knows about you. You’re still a kid. Things happen buddy. Don’t worry too much. Take care,” was the text she received from him.
She replied: I never meant to intrude or cross a line. I really didn’t. Please forgive me.
The next day, she uninstalled that app and her account so that she could not reach out to him any longer.
It took her more than a few months to move on from him, to stop hating herself over having a crush on someone who already belonged to someone else.
The only hurdle was that she would often be reminded of him in her everyday life—sometimes while watching a series, reading a book, going to a new place and the feeling of telling him all about her adventures.
She did eventually accept that it was completely one sided and that she probably already knew it. She installed that app again after a few months. This time with a different number, so that he couldn’t know that she joined back. She had deleted his number from her contacts, but it was still etched in her memory.
On the days when she missed him too much, she would just open his ID and stare at it without sending anything. It was her way of accepting that things had changed.
Back to the Present Day—
She stared at the screen, let out a sigh, and putting down the phone, started writing again.
Okay, so I am clearly missing him. But what can I even do? I don’t know.
You know, I really need meds now. I can’t even focus on reading.
I don’t even know what more to write. I don’t want to appear for the exam. I want to have a life yaar (hindi term for a friend). This schedule is just grueling. I wake up every morning with my heart already racing. Then I go up to the terrace in order to breathe, which is also difficult to focus on when I constantly feel like I could use this time to take a lecture or something.
Then there’s breakfast, classes, lunch, classes, tea—and suddenly it’s evening, and even sleep feels dreadful. I can’t even focus on lectures. They are just too tiring, honestly. I don’t know what to do.
I am literally not prepared for the exam. And to make things worse, my stomach feels weird. I googled it. And I think it’s IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I am so done with all this. What will I even do with my life? How will I ever get a job like this?
And I do know that people have much bigger problems—the real and serious ones. But I don’t know what to do about them, because it doesn’t help knowing that. I try to make it work, but did it work? No.
What should I do?
I don’t know, Diaru. I don’t.
She put the pen down when she realised that she was repeating the same things again and again.
She put on a series on her phone and tried to lose herself in it. It worked a little. But then it was hard to put it down. More than entertainment, it became a sort of escape to her—escape from the world, her thoughts and the brutal reality.
She knew this wasn’t a good thing in the long run and that she needed to do something to fix things before it was too late. But she didn’t know—what.
I wish the storm no longer comes back —
A few days later—
“I am so glad I feel like living again, lol. Who knew that even having the ‘will to live’ would feel so luxurious?
I am so tired of being restless. Happiness Trap is a good book you know. I have read only a little, but it worked a bit. I am not as scared as before at least. I don’t know.” She said, moving her right hand in the calm water of the river Ganga.
This was her safe space. A place for confession—of wrongdoings, guilts, regrets and also a place of forgiveness. Forgiveness didn’t always come easily to her. She was not much of a good person according to her.
She was just like everybody else, but on some of the days, she even felt that she was a bit worse than others. She had tried to do things and had failed miserably—not just in studies but in many other areas of life.
That riverbank and the river Ganga itself was her confession site. She was there again.
It was peaceful. She was carrying her diary in her backpack.
She sat down on one of the abandoned ‘takhats’ lying there and started writing.
I made grave mistakes, you know—the ones I am still trying to recover from. I am still ashamed of them, be it him, not being able to crack the exam or be it me watching that inappropriate stuff that disgusted me to the core, but you know, I am not a liar dear Ganga ji. I am so sorry for all the things that I have done but I want to do better now.
I know, I will probably make mistakes again, but I wanted to come clean. I am one hundred percent sure now that I never want to do those things ever. Please forgive me.
I am tearing this page and putting it into a dustbin, hoping that you’d understand. I know, I am talking to myself, but I still like to imagine you as my friend to whom I can come clean always. Thank you for being that.
I have decided to do something meaningful out of my life. I want to study really well now. I just hope this freaking anxiety leaves me forever.
It really makes me numb and leaves me unable to do anything sometimes. But I will now, and I will also try to keep myself under check and have control over my desires and feelings.
You might wonder why don’t I ask for help, right? Why am I not just studying, making new friends, exercising or just simply doing the things like others? It’s not that I don’t try. I am just tired of seeking help now. How can I burden people with all this ocean of feelings inside me?
I don’t want to need anyone now. I want to be friends with others but not because I need help. It’s not fair even if someone is willing to do it for me. I don’t like taking favours when I know that I probably won’t be able to return them.
I don’t know. I don’t want to seek anything from anyone. I just truly want to enjoy someone’s company. That’s it. And that is why I am not able to make new friends now, because I know I need to be able to tolerate my own self first.
People think I do everything deliberately. But why don’t they realise that it’s not that I want to ruin things for myself, I just can’t help it when I am feeling restless. You know, even breathing becomes a task then. I am not sure if I am making sense or not, but I do feel that way.
You know how it feels while taking a physics lecture sometimes? I honestly feel like getting up and running away. Blood rushes to my hands and legs when all I need is my mind to focus and relax.
It’s not like I am deliberately feeling restless. I know it’s not much of a big deal. But in that moment, it feels impossible to do anything. I don’t know why?
And I don’t even know if this is even true or not. But I just know one thing—that I try. I do.
It’s okay. I am trying. I just hope it gets better soon. As for everything else, I don’t know—and honestly, I don’t want to think much about the future either.
I love you. And I do love myself too, for trying. I know I feel the exact opposite at times, but it’s okay. I’ll keep trying and I’ll survive. I will..right?
Thank you.
She finished writing but didn’t tear the page. She wanted to keep it as a reminder to not repeat the same mistakes again, and to stay true to what she really wanted in life.
She remembered how, a while ago, she was sitting near the gurudwara’s pond just as she was sitting near the bank on this day. She sat there for another fifteen-twenty minutes, then took her bicycle and rode back home.
She was smiling and so free in that moment.
She knew things might change tomorrow and she could find herself caught in the storm again, but she was a bit more ready to fight the storms, to be stronger than them, to face them and keep trying—just like she always had before.
Ps- I think this is the final chapter of this series now. I didn’t intend to write it at all, but I was missing it a few days back and hence the result. This series is really close to my heart. I don’t know why. Maybe, because it feels kind of like—home. This was the one that felt like I was having a conversation with someone who understands, even if it’s just me who had written this XD. I know this is weird but still.
I might write another season or another part of this series in future, if I miss it too much again. I know it was pretty longer and hence most of the people couldn’t read it whole, but it’s long because it has so many things. I couldn’t have compromised in all those lengthy monologues or descriptive paragraphs. I loved writing it, even when it overwhelmed my own self while I reread constantly to proofread and edit.
Pss- If you’re going through a tough time and are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, anxious, drained or just are in the phase of overthinking, please know that it’s not your fault and it’s not going to last forever.
It’s difficult, I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling, but please always remember that it happens to a lot of us and would eventually get better with our constant efforts. And, if at any point—you feel like it’s getting out of control, try seeking professional help if possible. It would really help. And if you couldn’t, there are several other ways. You don’t have to go through it all alone. I am sharing a link to a mental health website. That could also help in times of emergency.
And one of the other ways is to vent out online XD. I know we don’t feel like talking then, so writing it and posting it here might help sometimes. Just please keep trying.
Link to a confidential and professional mental health website— icall link (A lot of other options are also available. All we need to do is—try.)
Feel free to vent out here, if you ever need to. Rest, I am so proud of you champion, for making all the efforts, for still sticking here. You’re really precious. And the world needs you. I am really grateful for your existence. Take care, dear friend.
A biig hug and lots of love!!
This was once my comfort song. (I mentioned few others in the previous post. Cavetown is really a genius.)
If you made it till here—Thank you so much for reading this. I really appreciate your presence here. It matters more than I can ever express. Thank you. I would really love to listen to your thoughts on this one and your story too.
If you’d like to support my work, you can do so here-
It’s a link to ‘buy me a coffee’ website, but since I am a tea person and I don’t drink coffee, this sounded most valid, lol. Your support would help me keep writing and sharing more stories like this. Thank you for being here.
Until Next Time,
Take great care and a biiiigg hug!! I
Thank you so much for bearing with me and for having so much patience.
And don’t forget—You are really lovely, and I am so proud of you for keep going. You’re gonna do very great.
Seeya soon in the next one,
Yours,
Ameliorating A.
This is really my favourite story series.. hehe… A biiiiiiiiiig hug before finally ending it :))
“Par khulne ki deri hai, Parinde udd ke chumenge,
Aasmaan, Aasmaan, Aasmaan…”
(It’s only a matter of time before the wings open wide,
The birds will rise and kiss—
The sky, The sky, The endless sky…)
She was smiling and so free in that moment. ❤️🩹
You people are so talented, the song from udaan just 🤌🏻, udaan is one of my favourite and weirdly kind of comfort giving movie.
What a perfect closure to the this series. I know it's emotional and very close to your heart but this series will be here as a piece of your existence. It's amazing!!