I don't know what happened, Charlie

A letter to Charles.

Disclaimer- This letter is a work of fiction, inspired by real life events, but not completely and accurately. Enjoy it as a simple, sweet letter to a fictional character named Charles. He doesn’t exist in real life. It’s just my love for writing letters that bring me to write this.

On a serious note- This letter touches on mental health, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm. Please take care while reading.

Dear Charles,

Buddy, I am okay you know?

I really am. I cried this much after quite a while I guess.

Yeah, my head hurts, along with my back, but you know it feels like I just met someone I lost a while ago.

Was it a good meeting? Did I want to meet them?

No.

But still, it’s like a reunion, a reunion I didn’t want to take place ever, but I had no choice.

I think they are right when they say that the things you keep running from, also keep running behind you.

I never wanted to do this again Charles.

These depressing posts that even seem repulsive to me on good days, weren’t something I wanted to do ever again. But as you can see, I am doing it.

How are you man? How are you?

I need a hug really bad, and I want to cry really bad too, again.

I know you will ask me, “Did something happen?”

But no Charles, nothing happened.

I don’t know why all these feelings just keep surfacing up from time to time. I don’t know really.

“I would rather die than, let you go,” is what I am listening to right now, but you know, I always behave the exact opposite of this line.

For me it’s, “I would rather die than hold you up.”

I am sure you might wonder sometimes that how weird am I? I give those typical vibes, no, where people keep pushing people away and away, no matter how badly they need them?

Well, yeah, that’s me.

I tried asking for help, and I even got the help, but can anyone hold you from breaking forever?

Don’t people have their own lives too? Aren’t their own lives falling apart as well? How can I ask for their hand when they are holding swords to protect their own selves?

I don’t want to interrupt them.

I did earlier, and what happened?

Did anyone stay? Could they stay as long as I needed them?

I feel worse when people leave my hand in middle because I get too heavy to be dragged with them.

Isn’t it better to fight your own battles on your own, alone, and give others the space they need?

I don’t know Charles, but this is what I feel.

I miss you to be honest.

I don’t want to continue this further. It’s not helping.

I need to have tea.

And yeah, just for your information, my back is still hurting, my legs are still shaking, my head is really heavy, and my jaws hurt.

The tears have dried up, but my eyes are welling up a bit again. My leg is hurting too, and I am not able to care what time it is. My heart is pacing in a way that is making me nauseous. I really should go.

Meet you after tea.

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I had tea, and I cooked pasta, Charles. And I am writing to you again.

Charles, I am still not able to control my tears.

What happened to me Charles? Why is it happening again?

And I don’t know why I am saying your name again and again, it just feels bit comforting amidst this nonstop rainfall of tears.

Nothing major happened to trigger it. Then why?

It’s not as easy as you think, to find the strength to hover inside the pitch-dark cave, to look for light just to be able to breathe again.

What did I do to deserve this huh?

What I have done to feel myself shattering all over again?

Charles, I am not able to breathe, and my tears are not stopping.

I feel like I am going to be back in that same dark loop again. It was so hard to come out of it. I can’t do that again.

My head is exploding.

Am I dying?

I can’t keep bearing it for long Charles. If it kept happening again and again, I won’t be able to bear it. How would I? How would I handle myself?

I do understand very well why people give up on life, because it is not like they don’t have any other options; it’s like they are exhausted from trying to figure out how to live, again and again.

I don’t want to die Charles. It’s scaring me. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to cry as much as I am today, every day.

I don’t know what to do. Writing this letter is not working.

I don’t know what more to write.

Photo by Jess moe on Unsplash

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Next Day-

So, I went to the doctor in the evening dear, Charlie and I was still not able to stop crying even there.

I embarrassingly broke down in front of the doctor too, which now feels completely like an attempt of seeking attention or validation.

But whatever it was, it worked, lol, for he prescribed me meds both for anxiety and headache, which was a win-win, so I was more or less satisfied by the end.

I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor. I even texted my friends in the morning, but that didn’t work either. Nothing they said was making sense to me.

Although, just letting them know that I was not in my right senses helped a bit, but still, I couldn’t compose myself.

The feeling of knowing that somebody is there and would be there tomorrow too, if it all got too difficult, even if they couldn’t help, is very comforting.

Their presence somehow acts like a shield which keeps the darkness away. I love them so much and I love you too, hahaha.

You can tell that I am much better now, just by reading how I wrote your name right? I know you don’t like me calling you Charlie, but it’s so cute, isn’t it?

I don’t know what happened yesterday, Charlie. I really don’t understand.

The scariest part was the fear of not being able to sit calmly in sunlight, among the plants, with friends and family.

I remember the last time too well. It was real difficult. I couldn’t even be in normal places like my room, and even among people and places I loved. My heart would just keep racing always and there was a sense of deep fear and isolation.

Even when I tried to talk to someone or do something, I felt like they are not listening, that I was so alone in my own scary world and that I was drowning.

It really was so hard to come out of that ‘impossible to break’ bubble.

I knew that whatever I was feeling was just emotions and were intrusive thoughts, but in that moment, the fear overtook my conscience too and I was feeling only one thing that I am about to die, that I won’t be able to make it out this time.

You know, I really empathize with people who are or were in depression and I do really understand so well now that why they choose to end it all despite several options.

It’s because the fear of being completely disable overpowers everything.

In that moment, one has a difficult time distinguishing between what is real and what is just imagination.

The imagination gets real scary with images of you not being able to do any thing normally, not being able to read or eat peacefully, even not being able to sleep at all.

The latter one—not being able to sleep calmly—literally terrified me a lot.

I don’t even remember everything too well. It was like I was intoxicated or high or something.

I just remember that I had a fever, a really bad headache and I couldn’t stop crying for no reason.

You know, it got this bad that I couldn’t even control my tears in front of my parents. I really don’t what happened. And I am repeating this again and again, because I am surprised myself.

The last time something like this happened was almost a year ago, and I was sick at that time too. I had typhoid and I remember sleeping all the time, quite literally.

I had no appetite; I didn’t have fever either while I was on meds, but I was drained both physically and mentally.

I was so better after it, but I don’t know what happened.

The headache was bad, I get it, but this whole breaking down and meltdown thing was really scary. And I think I was most terrified of the getting in ‘that zone’ again that made my panic even worse on top of the already aching and vulnerable mind.

The fear of ‘being anxious, sad or in that dark zone’ is scarier than the actual situation.

See, I am better today. I am so thankful for it. I didn’t know what to do yesterday, but I am so grateful and relieved that everything is fine now. I think I should start reading ‘The Happiness Trap’ again.

It was so helpful last time. It at least helped me realise that a thought is just only a thought, and not a reality or the prediction of future.

I am so glad that everything is better Charlie, I am so happy about it.

And yesterday I was thinking if I would be able to even make it till today, alright, or not.

Weird it is right? Well, yeah it is, but I am so thankful that the dark zone flew away, that I am perfectly alright now.

How about you Charles?

How are you doing?

When are you coming back here darling?

Lol, don’t feel cringe now. I am in a good mood okay, and aren’t you a darling anyway?

Haha, I know you must be laughing when you would be reading this.

I miss you, Charles. I miss running my hand through your beautiful hair.

I have a question for you. But promise first that you won’t get mad. And read only after making a promise, okay?

“Would you have still loved me if I fell back into that ‘dark zone’? Would you be able to handle me, tolerate me and be with me then?”

I don’t know your answer, but one thing I am very sure about it is that I will never be a burden on you. I don’t like to be a burden on anyone; let alone people I love so deeply.

But then again, they are the only ones I can even tell that I am feeling this distressed, and that I am not able to handle it all alone.

I do become a sort of burden to them. But I am so grateful for their presence.

I am sorry Charlie, for troubling you.

I am not good at loving people. But I still love you Charles, with all my heart.

I know you would say something like, ‘Next time, if you wrote something like you’re not good or are a burden, then forget that Charles ever existed.’ But Charlie, I just wanted to say it.

You will bear it, you always do, haha.

Thank you so much for everything, Charles.

I will be eagerly waiting for your letter, Charles. Please write back soon.

Yours,

Daisy.

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Ps- I hope you liked reading it. Don’t take it too seriously. It was just a portrayal of some of the feelings we experience at times.

Thank you so much for reading,

Until Next Time,

Take great care,

And drink lots of water since it’s summers :))

Seeya soon <33